Over this past Christmas and New Year I spent some of my quiet time reading Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen. I was looking for more ideas on how to positively interact with the small Oh Wailys. I found a few new ideas and met some old favourites.
While the book is a bit of a mish-mash of home and classroom ideas, there is plenty to take away from one environment that would work in the other. The key idea for me, though, was the Family Meeting.
Not long after I finished the book we decided to give it a try and see how it would work, or not, for us. At the first meeting we wrote the ‘minutes’ down on sheets of paper and it dragged on for what seemed like an interminably long time – especially for the kids. There was a lot of explaining about what we were going to be doing at the meetings, and setting up expectations around listening and taking turns speaking. Then, finally, actually trying to have a meeting. It was all a bit dry, in hindsight.
We persisted and by the third meeting, which was just myself and the kids as Mr Oh Waily was away for work, I had taken up the further idea of having a permanent record of our meetings. I had the perfect book for the task that had sat in my stationery drawer since my last pre-kid trip to Singapore way back in 2006, an A4 blank ring bound journal. It had been waiting for a good use and now I had one for it.
We struggled through the next few meetings, trying to get a rhythm and working on the fidgety bugs that seem to infect the kids after a fairly short while. Now we are two months on from those first tentative steps and I have to say that our meetings flow really well, for the most part, and the kids are both participative and able to concentrate for most of the meeting now. We have dealt with a number of problems (one of the key uses of the family meeting) that have occurred during the preceding week, and everyone has been able to have a say in possible solutions. The kids are learning to problem solve and to come to a consensus – as that is the only allowable outcome of the problem solving. You just keep it on the agenda if consensus cannot be reached.
It seems to have reached a point where we rarely have actual problems to solve, so the focus of the latest few meetings has been firmly on the positive sections – compliments and planning fun activities for us all to do during the next week. We have also dealt with our chores issues through the meeting, with a fair amount of success. It is an ongoing work in progress, but at least it is not left to fester with anyone for long periods of time.
I think we will have reached another point in the process when we come home from our holiday in April. It will be time to add in a new aspect or two of the meetings – expressing gratitude and maybe coming up with a family motto – just to spice it up a little and keep it interesting. I can see that the meetings will become a more positive aspect in our lives as it becomes another family tradition, just like pancake day has. It is something that binds us together and adds memories.
I definitely recommend getting a copy of Positive Discipline and checking out some of her ideas. There are moments of repetition, and slightly banging on the same points, but overall it was a useful read and the Family Meeting idea made the reading all worthwhile. Check out your local library for a copy first to make sure it gels with you and your family.
And as some wise friends said – keep it short, don’t make it a parent-lecture-opportunity, or a hidden parent-control-method and actually make sure the kids are involved and listened to. Otherwise it will turn out to be the opposite of what I personally hoped for – a proactive, cohesion building tool for the family.